There Are No Meaningful Relationships Without Your Curiosity
Without harnessing your innate curiosity, it’s impossible to create new or deepen existing meaningful relationships.
They will stay surface-level or worse, transactional.
For many years, I didn’t even consider bringing my curiosity to my interactions with other people. While yes, I truly wanted to get to know people, but unfortunately, I had another goal that took front and center.
I wanted people’s approval and validation.
Looking back, it’s so obvious how much this motivated me, but at the time, I was completely clueless about it.
Sadly, worse than wasting all that time trying to control what others thought of me (an impossible task), was that I had missed out on all the beautiful gifts that come from being curious about another person and being able to deeply know them.
It wasn’t until much later that I discovered the superpower of curiosity, which transformed my relationships.
It occurred to me while I was working with a life coach. We were discussing how to ask better questions to others in order to create more connection in my life. I was so analytical at the time, so together, we broke down the components of a good question.
Using the new framework, I clumsily attempted to ask people better questions with moderate success.
Sometimes it would lead to deeper conversations, and sometimes, it would lead to awkward interactions. I was determined to figure it out so I pushed on without much more success.
And then one day, I got so wrapped up in a conversation with someone I had just met that I completely forgot about the framework. The conversation turned out to be exactly what I was looking for - depth, vulnerability, and connection.
Afterward, I reflected on the conversation and was surprised that even though I had forgotten the framework, my questions were exactly the deeper connection onses I was learning to ask.
And then it hit me. I was genuinely interested and curious about the person, so naturally, good questions stemmed from this. It was that easy and obvious.
Curiosity = Good Questions = Deeper Connection
While it’s a little more nuanced than this, it was a great start.
And the best part was that I am a naturally curious person. I have endless amounts of curiosity about the mysteries of the world and universe and how everything works. I just never figured I could place this endless curiosity on the person right in front of me.
I started to give myself permission to bring my full curiosity to any conversation I was in, whether it was a close friend or a stranger, and my life changed.
For one, I started to love every conversation I was having. Before, I felt boxed into standard conversation tracks with the conventional niceties. But after bringing my curiosity, a feeling of aliveness and fun permeated every conversation. Because I was more engaged, I was able to bring all of myself to my conversations. And the people I talked to started to bring all of themselves too. Strangers I just met shared their intimate life stories, fears, and desires.
From a homeless man who told me about his forgiveness work with his parents, to an elderly woman I met in the park who told me about her life of activism that started when she refused to stand up for the pledge of allegiance when she was six, the world started to open up to me.
Every person represented a new story that I could explore. People stopped representing ways that I could seek validation and I started to see them as they really were: unique expressions of life ready to be explored.
And it wasn’t just all for my benefit. The people I engaged with greatly appreciated my curiosity. To bring your curiosity to another person is one of the greatest gifts you can share with someone. By doing so, you’re telling them they deserve interest and are worthy of attention. And this is no small thing. It’s actually quite, if not incredibly, rare. People are craving it, and you can easily be the person that gives it to them.
I often forget how rare this is, and am reminded when strangers compliment and thank me for my deep listening, caring, and presence. The bar is very low and all you have to do is bring your curiosity.
Additionally, by bringing my curiosity to my current relationships, they started to take on a completely different quality. My curiosity allowed for a deepening of intimacy that shocked me. Relationships that I had written off as never being able to meet the depth of connection that I craved, transformed in front of my eyes.
So let’s get into it. But before we talk about what blocks curiosity and how to unleash it to fundamentally shift how you relate to people, let’s slow down and start with a core question.
What Actually Is Curiosity?
Curiosity is an innate human quality we all possess. It’s built into the structure of what it means to be human. It’s the insatiable desire to understand, imagine, and make sense of our infinitely complex world.
Without curiosity, we’d still be an amoeba in the sea or a monkey in the tree. I didn’t mean to rhyme but that kinda hit.
It’s what motivated us to explore the world by discovering new countries, animals, people, and cultures.
It has been, and will always be, essential to the survival of our species.
Everything we know about the world and even the cosmos has been motivated by our curiosity. A scientist is just a professional curious person.
It also shows up in the minutia of our daily life. Why do you think it’s so hard to resist putting on the next episode of your favorite T.V. show when there’s a cliffhanger? Or why some people can’t put down the crossword until they finish it.
Curiosity! We want to know what we don’t currently know.
So if our curiosity is natural to being human, why is it so common for most of us to be disconnected from it in our relationships?
Well, there are two big killers of curiosity that if not dealt with, will snuff it out completely. Addressing these is essential to bringing your curiosity front and center so you can use it in your relationships.
Curiosity Killer # 1: Shame
Shame is the killer that had suppressed my curiosity for years.
As I shared earlier, I used to really care what others thought about me because I was constantly seeking validation and acceptance. It’s natural to care what others think about you, however, in excess, it’s an indication that shame is rearing its ugly head.
All of us have shame.
Shame is picked up at some point in our lives, usually in childhood. Something we interpreted as bad happened, and we internalized it as our fault. We decided that there was something fundamentally wrong with us that caused this bad thing or is the reason that we deserved it. This is when the belief starts, “I am bad” instead of a more healthy expression of guilt which is “I did a bad thing”.
As we grow, this belief stays with us and shows up as “I’m not enough” or “I’m not worthy”.
This is what is referred to as low self-worth.
Shame and the resulting low self-worth dramatically affect how we show up in our relationships. This is because the feeling of “not enoughness” is so painful that we unconsciously use different tactics in order to try to deal with it.
All of these tactics block our curiosity.
A common tactic is to seek the approval of others in the thought that if you are enough in their eyes, then maybe you could convince yourself of that and fix your shame. This is the tactic that I had used. Examples are people-pleasing tendencies where you sacrifice your needs in the hope that it will bring you more approval.
Another tactic is to go the opposite way where you move away from others to hide your shame. This is often what is happening when people push others away and withdraw. It includes behaviors of secrecy and even overusage/addictions to things like food, alcohol, and drugs.
As you can imagine, in both of these tactics, you’re not going to be bringing your genuine curiosity to others. There’s either an agenda to use people or run away from them. There’s no motivation to try to truly see them or understand their world.
If we want to bring our curiosity, we have to deal with our shame.
As shame is a complex emotion to navigate, there’s not enough space here to go into the specifics of addressing it.
However, know that the dissolving of shame occurs in safe connection. Your bravery is required for you to be vulnerable and show your true self even if you could be rejected for it. To be vulnerable and to receive empathy and understanding for it is profoundly healing, if not the most healing experience.
Remember, vulnerability and empathy are the antidotes to shame.
This brings us to the second killer of curiosity.
Curiosity Killer # 2: Rigid Worldview
Curiosity is a two-sided coin. On the flip side of this insatiable desire to make meaning out of the unknown, is, well, the desire to finally know the unknown.
Humans have a complicated relationship with uncertainty. We love it and we hate it. But at some point, we just want to know. We want to feel certain that we understand this world. This desire for certainty stems from our need for safety.
This is why we make mental models of the world. They’re attempts to come to some form of meaning and they’re necessary for us to go about our lives. However, our need for safety and the assumption that we know can lead to arrogance. This is when we forget that our mental model is just a model and we stop updating it. Hence, our worldview becomes rigid.
This rigidity becomes even more dangerous when it’s paired with a natural tool of the brain to understand diverse things called Mental Schemas. Mental schemas are when our brains group things in boxes based on similar traits and apply generalized meaning to them.
This is what all the sciences do and it's essential in processing the infinite pieces of data and info in the world. However, when this mode of understanding is paired with a rigid worldview, our boxes of meaning become locked in stone. We stop using this grouping as a useful tool to understand diverse things and start taking it as law. This is when we assume that every item in a box is exactly the same.
This is the basis of bigotry when one is convinced that a group of people are all the same and disregard any room for individual difference.
This mentality is more common than we think. It shows up in all our relationships, new, old, and even intimate.
In a genuine desire to understand others, we put people in boxes and forget the endless ways that people can express themselves as unique beings in this world. When we meet new people, it’s too easy to dismiss them as “that type of person”.
We take a thirty-second assessment and settle that “Ohh they’re just like someone I used to know, I’m not interested in getting to know them. I already know who they are.”.
We are all guilty of this. And it’s especially common and easy to jump to this when we were hurt by the person we assume they are like. We write them off in an effort to protect ourselves. This is natural and human nature.
But this is when our curiosity is thrown out the window. We assume we already know this person and don’t give them a chance. And if we think we already know them, then there’s no point in being curious about them. Why try to understand someone we already understand?
This is not only something we do for people we are just meeting. It’s just as common, if not more common, in our most intimate relationships.
Do these sound familiar?
“Oh, you always do this.”
“Seriously, you never say that.”
“Ugh, there’s no point with you.”
I know I’m guilty. In an effort to understand, protect ourselves from pain, and just become comfortable with what’s in front of us, we put the people we love in static boxes.
We decide that these are their traits, that this is the only way they show up and act, and that there’s nothing but this. Yes, people have patterns that they get stuck in, but at the end of the day, one of the most common and dangerous relational beliefs is that people are static beings instead of dynamic ones.
A static being is someone who has a set of nonchanging traits, beliefs, and behaviors. They are the same over any amount of time.
On the other hand, a dynamic being is someone who, yes, has patterns, but is always morphing, shifting, and growing. They are never the exact same person in any one moment as the last.
If people we know are static beings, then sure, there is no point in being curious about them. At some point, we would truly know them.
But this isn’t further from the truth. Even the people most stuck in their ways are never the exact same as they were in a previous moment. If you were to dust off your curiosity and place it on them, you would be shocked at the nuanced and subtle ways that they are literally a different person in any new moment.
To regularly bring your curiosity to those you think you know the best, you would discover that you can never truly know someone.
This is the beauty of being human with other humans. There are infinitely diverse people out there and each of these people are infinitely complex and everchanging. There is never a moment you can truly know someone.
As soon as you think you do, it is a sign you have lost your curiosity.
Let’s say after reading this article, you decide to give people another chance and try to be more open.
However, the arrogance of mankind is a given, and at some point or another, you will once again assume you can completely know people. In a desire for the safety of knowing and certainty, you will once again stop updating your conceptual frameworks. Your worldview will once again become rigid.
This is why it is a continuous practice and commitment to bringing your curiosity to every single person in front of you, and being humble enough to update your beliefs and boxes of understanding constantly.
Let’s talk about how to do this.
How to Drop A Rigid Worldview
Step #1: Just drop your assumptions and judgments.
This is a joke. As you may know, it’s not that easy. Unfortunately, many people think it is and end up with not only judgments of others, but judgments of their own judgments and themselves. In an effort to be good moral people, people tend to demonize their judgments and when they struggle to “just drop them”, as many religious or spiritual traditions advise, they end up feeling shame.
“Ugh, I’m so judgmental.”
As we have explored, shame does not help in connecting with others. It does the opposite.
The secret to navigating your judgments and assumptions is not to just magically drop them, but to check if they are true, and update them when needed.
And, it’s always needed.
This is because how we see reality, is more a reflection of our worldview, than actual reality. And, when our worldview is rigid, our view of reality is skewed; meaning is based in the past which often doesn’t apply to the now.
Polish-American scientist and philosopher, Alfred Korzybski, wisely commented that “The map is not the territory.”.
This means that our understanding of the world is not the world. It is warped and full of biases, and that’s ok. We can use every moment and interaction with people to update it. Rephrase every belief as an assumption. It’s your best guess. But if you want to have an intimate relationship with reality and others, you have to constantly check if your guesses are correct.
This is the beauty of relationships. We can utilize them to help us check our assumptions.
Other human beings are the best feedback loop that exists.
If you think someone is upset or annoyed with you, ask them if that guess is true. If you think someone is being an asshole, ask them what the reason they’re acting like that is. If you think someone is judging you, ask them.
ART International, the leading training company of a practice called Authentic Relating, advises that “When we don't understand something, we can either assume or get curious.”
Yes, it’s scary to check our assumptions and guesses with people. It’s something that doesn’t come naturally and is something we have to be brave and diligent to consistently do.
But if this skill is learned, every moment and interaction becomes an opportunity and feedback loop to dust off our dirty lenses of reality, update our mental map of the world, and clearly see the people right in front of us.
And when we see people clearly, we can begin to understand the absolute miracle that every single person is.
Curiosity = Wonder
In my workshops, I lead people through a curiosity exercise to help them practice placing their curiosity on another person. Sometimes, I begin with leading everyone through a short meditation to access their wonder, which I think exemplifies what it truly means to be curious.
This is a version of that meditation.
“Look at the person in front of you and begin to understand the miracle that you are blessed to have sitting in front of you. Just like you, this person was once an infant. As they grew up, they had just as many experiences as you did. Some good, some painful. They have felt excited, sad, happy, scared, hopeful, angry, shameful, proud. They have exceeded their expectations at times and missed their expectations. They might have been in love and they have felt loss. They have felt purposeful at times and lost at times. Just like you, they have experienced the full tapestry of the human experience but in their very own unique way and experiences. Quite literally, the person in front of you is the most unique person in the whole world because there is not another single person who has had the exact same experiences that they have had. They are a living miracle and you have the privilege to bring them your curiosity and ask them about themselves.”
At this point, the exercise begins, and the participants get to ask each other curious questions that they really want to ask.
While this meditation is useful to spark people’s curiosity, it is not an exaggeration.
Billions of years post Big Bang have had to happen exactly as they have happened to lead to the conception of any one person. The probability that a specific person exists is so ridiculously improbable, that each person is quite literally a miracle.
To truly be curious in another person, is to recognize the miracle in them.
There’s a wisdom to the stoner who holds up their hand and asks “Woahhh man, have you really ever truly looked at your hand? What even is this thing?”.
When we drop our standard ways of looking at the world (high or sober), everything becomes extraordinary. And I believe there’s nothing more extraordinary than the complexity of another human being.
They have a whole world that is infinitely similar to yours and endlessly different.
Yes, it’s so easy to forget this, but it’s a practice.
A fun way to approach this practice is to pretend you’re an art connoisseur and the person in front of you is a masterpiece painting. If you had a masterpiece painting in front of you, you could spend thousands of hours evaluating every centimeter of it and still not understand it. Look at the precision of the brushstrokes, look at the realism of the light, look at the masterful blending of the colors. And that’s just the first layer. What is the meaning? What is the symbolism pointing at? What was the historical and cultural context this was created from?
You can do this with another person in an even more enriching way because, unlike a painting, you can interact with the masterpiece of a person. You can voice every curiosity you have and ask them any question you want.
Asking Your Curious Questions
We’re so used to asking questions we think we should ask instead of questions we actually want to ask because of societal scripts, politeness, or fear. It’s natural to not want to offend someone or feel like we’re prying.
But this is a limitation we set for ourselves and it blocks us from being able to act on our wonder that has been pushed below the surface. To ask questions you actually want to ask is as simple as just giving yourself permission to do so.
And if you think a question might be too nosy, take the pressure off by reassuring them that they don’t have to answer the question if they don’t want to. You can also phrase it as a statement of curiosity instead of a question.
“You don’t have to respond to this, but I feel curious about…”
When the pressure is taken off, people might feel a lot more comfortable and safe to engage with your curiosity. And sometimes, they won’t want to answer, but no harm no foul.
It’s important to note that there’s a big difference between a “curious question” and a “leading question”.
A curious question is a question motivated by pure curiosity and an openness to the truth. On the other hand, a leading question has a secret agenda. It can be suggesting a different perspective, secretly making an accusation, or projecting what you think is best on that person.
For example, “Don’t you think it’s time you start eating better?”.
Giving permission to yourself to ask questions you want is not the permission to be an asshole.
People can easily sense the energy of a leading question vs. a curious question. Leading questions shut people down while curious questions open them up.
Your Curiosity Will Change Your Life and Your Relationships
I cannot understate the power of bringing your curiosity to your life and relationships.
Curiosity truly opens life up to possibilities that didn’t exist in a rigid worldview. If practiced consistently, your curiosity will start to feel like a superpower. It turns life into a game. Everything and everyone becomes exciting and fun, ready to be explored.
Life can start to feel like an adventure with endless potential just as it once did when you were a child.
I’ll give an example of how this adventure can play out.
I’m currently in Mexico, and on my first day here, I wanted to explore the local town. I ended up right outside a gated spiritual residential community someone had told me about. I decided to explore it so I knocked and a worker let me in. I wandered around the buildings for a little while until I saw two residents sitting and talking. I asked them if there were any events going on and with a little shock they asked me how I got in.
“You have to be escorted by the manager if you want to check things out!”
They introduced me to the manager. She started to give me a tour of the community and list the prices of the apartments. I recognized that she was playing her work role and I had no interest in it. My curiosity was in her as a human, so I let my curiosity free and started asking questions about her that I wanted to ask.
We ended up having an engaging vulnerable conversation. At the end of it, she invited me to a festival going on that weekend. Still following my curiosity, I bought a ticket. There, I met a woman whom I told about Authentic Relating, the connection philosophy I practice and teach, and she asked to meet up later to discuss it.
When we met up, I again used my curiosity to connect deeply with her, which led to her offering to allow me to teach a workshop at the hotel her friend owns.
I put the workshop on in a couple of days.
None of these events would have happened if I didn’t bring my curiosity. But because I did, a series of adventures played out in ways I couldn’t have even planned.
Your curiosity is the doorway to the Unknown, and the Unknown always holds an adventure.
Additionally, your curiosity can allow for new possibilities in the relationships you assume are forever stuck. I can’t express how many of my relationships, like close friends I’ve had for years or family members, where curiosity had created an opening for connection when I thought that door had been shut.
It’s important to note that curiosity without your willingness for your own vulnerability will leave you knowing others, but not being seen yourself. Revealing your authentic expression is a skillset and philosophy in itself, but you can get started with my article Say What You Want And Master Your Relationships.
Curiosity is essential if you desire meaningful relationships in your life. And I admit, it’s not easy. To truly unlock your curiosity, you have to confront and look at your shame, challenge your long-held beliefs and worldviews, open yourself to see the miracle in every person, and ask the questions that are scary to ask. But I promise you, on the other side of it, your life and your relationships will transform more than you could ever imagine.